Friday, October 31, 2008

Black Eye

An undertaker comes home with a black eye.

"What happened to you?"asks his wife.

"I had a terrible day," replies the undertaker.

"I had to go to a hotel and pick up a man who had died in his sleep. When I got there,the manager said they couldn't get him into a body bag because he
had this huge erection.Anyway, I find the room and, sure enough, there's this big, naked guy lying on the bed with this huge erection. So I did what I always do; I grabbed it with both hands and tried to snap it in half."

"I see," says his wife."But how did you get the black eye?"
The undertaker replies, "Wrong room."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

The Good Golf Wife

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, 'Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of those 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?'

Martha replied, 'Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during those years...but always for a good reason.'

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, and said, 'I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?''

Martha said, 'The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?'

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, 'I can forgive you for that. You saved our home. But what about the second time?'

Martha asked, 'And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.'

'I recall that,' said Henry. 'And you did it to save my life. So of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.'

'Alright,' Martha said. 'So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?'

Friday, October 17, 2008

My dad's favourite poo story...

My dad loves to tell this story, given half an excuse:

He works on a large country park, and years ago when it was first being developed he was in charge of a couple of YTS trainees that had been placed there. In the afternoon of their first day, one of the YTS lads announced that he needed to use the toilet - but as the park was in its infancy, there were no 'facilities' for (literally) miles around. So, armed with the bogroll carried in the Land Rover for just such emergencies, he disappeared into the bushes to answer the call of nature.

Time passed, and eventually the lad re-emerged looking very sheepish and asked to be driven back to the main depot (where there is a shower block). He was wearing dungaree-style overalls which, once unbuttoned, had obviously spread out on the ground behind him. So not only had he managed to crap in his overalls, but the first thing he knew about it was when he tried to hitch them back up again and a fresh turd hit him at the back of the head.

To add insult to injury he wasn't qualified to drive and everyone who was refused to drive him because he smelled so bad. The poor guy had to walk several miles back to the depot with that morning's breakfast stuck on the back of his head.